My ADHD Story
I was recommended to get evaluated for ADHD by my pediatric attending during my 3rd-year clinical rotations. I did not listen to her recommendations until I started to see her reasoning as I was functionally struggling, but always in near breakdown.
I was in denial because I saw ADHD as a form of weakness and even now still struggle with this idea (I know it is silly but my truth). I finally decided to get evaluated at the end of my third year of medical school. I got diagnosed and was started on the medication, methylphenidate. I tried it for a week or two and decided it wasn’t doing anything and I just needed to change my habits and learn to control my focus.
I continued to struggle but there were also a lot of other things happening in my personal life that I continued to make excuses for my symptoms.
My excuses:
- My constant inner restlessness is all from my anxiety.
- my anxiety is from having generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).
- My impatience and impulsivity are part of my personality
- My inattentiveness is my selective hearing and daydreaming habits from my childhood
- My disorganization is just my lack of good habits
- My forgetfulness is from being distracted by so much work.
- My distracting behavior is from having so many things on my plate.
- Remarks by friends and family are just remarks and it doesn’t mean anything.
I continued to just functionally struggle. I worked really, really hard and the payoff was average. Over time, I burnt out more frequently.
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I began to get moody, and easily irritable and my anxiety even worsened. I continued to work on coping mechanisms and thought I was doing okay. I thought I was handling it well. I started my intern year of family medicine residency. The stress of my mom’s cancer and the stress of residency was taking on a further toll on me with uncontrolled ADHD.
I was struggling with residency as an intern and I had mentioned a history of ADHD to one of my attendings during an evaluation. I was again recommended to discuss treatment with my PCP.
I have been on methylphenidate for over a year now and my anxiety is more controlled, and my inner restlessness, impatience, impulsivity, distractibility, and disorganization have improved. On the days I don’t take my medication there is a difference compared to when I do. Often noted by others more than myself. I am learning to accept external help for my ADHD.
I struggled for years, I mean really struggled when I could have had it a little less difficult.
This was all shared as a reminder of the various insecurities everyone deals with. truthfully, I still struggle with admitting that I have ADHD out loud as I find this a weakness like I am making an excuse for not being good enough.
As always, my posts are always a self-reminder and a reminder that you are not alone.
